apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
