I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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