i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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