dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
