last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
