This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
home. puking in laundry basket.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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