Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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