my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
