wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
