my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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