He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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