Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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