grandma shit on top of the toilet
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
