we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
