you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
