I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Randomize
