Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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