he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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