2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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