My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
