Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
