My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
