New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
