I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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