I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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