I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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