we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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