There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
