Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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