i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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