I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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