Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
