people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
