Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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