my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
