Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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