Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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