dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
