my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i was born a porn star she said
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
