Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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