I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
