Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
