All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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