he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
