your thong is hanging out like whoa
We won't sleep together?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
