There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
