You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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