my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize