Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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