it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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