Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We have so much sex to catch up on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
