He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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