She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
