If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
