You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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