And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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