I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
