OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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