im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
