Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
