so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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