I puked a lego.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
