I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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