but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
