I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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